Yes, I do have a problem celebrating my successes and that is something I need to work on, but at the same time, I should recognize that I have a lot of passion, drive, and determination which gets me through to these milestones when they happen-I just need to get better at recognizing it while I’m doing it.Īlthough it was maybe difficult for me to slow down and give myself a pat on the back for getting on the dean’s list, writing a 15 page short story I was really proud of, or being nominated for the Student Employee of the Year Award, I still did all of those things and that in itself is something to be proud of. However, I do also want to acknowledge there are positives and negatives which come with this outlook. Realizing my fire and being kinder to myself In with the Bachelor of Fine Arts degree and out with the unbreakable glass ceiling I’ve built for myself. But I know now that this mindset has got to go. For me, at times, it’s gotten to the point where I don’t honestly know if I’ll ever see myself as “getting there” and being proud of my own accomplishments. It can work its way into so many other parts of your life. I now know that I have a problem with celebrating my success. Pieces of a whole that (I didn’t realize at the time) I’d never be able to smash into a real positive moment for myself. To me, while I was in school, these were all pieces of the pie. I wish I told myself that I was good enough and that I was proud of myself for getting an “A” on a paper, passing a class with flying colors, getting on the dean’s list, or graduating with honors. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that when I was in college, I wish I celebrated myself more. They all seem like small stepping stones on the way to a much larger accomplishment, one which I might not celebrate properly until it’s already passed as well. What I’ve learned from living my life this way is that I don’t always recognize milestones, achievements, or simply just positive events as they happen. But sometimes, because of this pattern of “get task, try hard, accomplish thing, reach for new task, and repeat,” I found myself feeling like I rushed a bit through college. And when I thought that it would be a good idea to beef up my resume with a degree and some related work, I tried my hardest at that too and came out the other side with two steady writing jobs and two writing internships. I found myself trying my absolute hardest on each and every paper, test, group project, etc. I reach for the stars, but prepare to never get there. (I can at times take rejection kind of personally, so I’d rather avoid it if possible.) The never-ending cycle of accomplishment Now that I’ve done it, I’m still afraid of it being ripped from my hands before I can put my hands on that totally 100% real I-earned-it-all-by-myself degree.Īnd so, I have this knee-jerk reaction to shield myself from disappointment right up until the moment it becomes real. Where and how I grew up, it just wasn’t an option. He’s studying for his PhD now and I couldn’t be more proud.Īs I said in a previous post, I really never thought I’d graduate from college. The other part is that my brother and I are the only two in my immediate family to have graduated from college. Partly, I think it’s because I want to prepare for the worst possible outcome and be surprised by a wonderfully happy one. So, why the heck do I do this to myself? And what have I learned over the last four years? Additionally, I’ve gotten better grades than I ever anticipated in just about every one of my classes I’ve ever taken. Shielding myself from the possibility of failure I didn’t do the blah blah blah.” And I’ll just have to go on with my life without a college degree. I just keep thinking that due to some mix-up or strange circumstance someone will have to break the news to me that I’m ineligible for graduation and I’ll say, “Well, yes, of course. I feel like I’m at an award’s show and they may or may not call my name. Truly, throughout this final semester, I’ve been hanging on the edge of my seat. “It probably won’t,” I tell myself, but what if something does? Even in my final days of my bachelor’s degree as I write this, I keep thinking that something could go wrong. Over the entirety of my college career, I’ve had this looming feeling of failure.
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